A healer’s hand and a head of logic

I consider myself a person of logic. But isn’t logic just a really convincing belief with a bit of reason?

I learned how to palm read in my 20s. There’s nothing logical about palm reading, yet I’m drawn to it because I was seeking some very serious answers about life. At times, I can predict how things will turn out but as I get older I see it less and less. I can’t tell how things will turn out anymore. I think I was more intuitive as a child than I am today.

Palm reading gave me a sense of calm. Whenever my anxiety is at its worst, I will look at my palm and follows the fine lines to where it says I’ll live a long and prosperous life. I’ll marry, find success, and care for a lot of people. 

They say I have a healer’s hands.

Lately I’ve been really anxious. I usually am when I’m dating. Whenever the guy I like doesn’t move forward with me, or whenever I’m reminded I’m alone. I find myself staring at my right hand just to make sure the lines haven’t changed. It’s the only proof I have that my life will turn out okay.

With my logic, women like me are more likely to end up single till their 40s. Then we may settle for men or learn to be comfortable with loneliness. I’d never have children and I’d work my entire life to be just lower-middle class. There may be a long list of boyfriends who never want to commit. Maybe even a proposal or two from desperate men with the wrong intentions.

I used to think good women who had lots to offer would be spoiled for choice. But reality has taught me that you have to be (1) beautiful, (2) intelligent, and (3) attractive in order to get what you want. If you don’t have that, you’re easily disqualified. It doesn’t matter how great you are in other ways.

My mom taught me this when I was younger and I never wanted to believe her. I never wanted to admit that only pretty people could get what they want. I wanted to believe there was a chance for me too. But my mother is quite often right. I learned this the hard way.

I still like to look at my hands. And even though it feels illogical, even though my mom is probably right, I still think there is a chance that I’d be lucky enough to love and be loved by someone.