Saturday, February 18, 2017

Storytime

This one is called: That Time I Had The Perfect Guy... And I Left Him

(This is going to be a hell of a long post, so don't say I didn't warm you)

I was in a long-term relationship with this guy. We were ridiculously happy together. We made a great team. We were best friends. We did everything together, as if we were conjoined at the hip. We didn't have much, but we felt like had it all. We were basically the Brad & Angelina amongst all our friends. So as you can see it came as a shock to everyone that after being together for four years, I left him.

Why?
I couldn't understand it before, but it's so clear to me now.
I realised that I didn't love him. I was "attached" to him.

The first reason I left was because we were inseparable. People used to think it was sweet how we never did anything without each other. But the truth is he was my security blanket. You might think it's a good thing, but it was terribly unhealthy for me to be so dependent and reliant on him emotionally. Although I am inherently an independent person, being with him actually made me feel more insecure and anxious to be on my own. I never had to go outside, I never had to speak to people, I never had to leave my comfort zone or do anything I wasn't comfortable doing. Only now I realise that the reason I never wanted to leave his side wasn't because I was so deeply in love with him, but the truth is I was afraid to be alone. Let that sink in for a sec. I would rather be with him than be alone. This was confusing to me at the time because I'd been neglected a lot as a kid because of some things that my family went through. I was forced to grow up having to be emotionally independent, so naturally I was constantly seeking companionship and support from people. I've grown up a bit since then and although I still feel like I need attention from time to time, I'm not broken anymore. I thought I was fixed when I was with him, but actually he was feeding my anxiety. He wasn't help me break through my insecurities. He kept me bounded to him using my insecurities. It wasn't his fault though, he always thought of it as helping me. I know better now.

The second reason why I left was because we never argue. Ever. He always let me have my way. Again, you'd think that it's a good thing! But you're wrong. You can't be with someone who let's you wallow in your self-pity. You can't be with someone who let's you overindulge in your selfish ways. You can't be with someone who says it's okay to eat all that junk food crap all the time (I gained a stupid amount of weight, it's not even funny). You can't be with someone who always takes your side even when you're wrong or when you make terrible decisions. Either I've never done wrong in his eyes, or he's not man enough to tell me so. With him, all of my flaws were justified. So not only was I not growing into a better person, but I was becoming worse and I was used to my ways. You need to be with someone who helps you become a better version of yourself. It's nice to have someone kiss you and make you feel better when in all actuality you're shit. But sometimes you need someone to who will give you the tough-love you need when it's necessary (but in a loving tender way, of course).

The third reason I left was because I was never jealous. I used to think I was a really cool girlfriend and I trusted him so much that I never left scared to lose him. And if he ever cheated on me, I would totally understand that it was just sex and he still loved me regardless. I was like, girls if you want him, you can try all you want cause he'll always choose me in the end...  But the real truth behind my inability to feel jealous was that I didn't want him enough to feel jealous. Yeah sure, I'd initially feel a little upset that he'd been flirting with other girls but that's because I'm the kinda girl who always wants to be number one. But not once have I ever felt so sickeningly jealous and possessive of him. If you love someone and want someone, you do feel jealous to a certain degree. Naturally, you protect what is yours. You shouldn't be okay with the image of sharing your man with someone else. You shouldn't feel so comfortable with the idea that your man isn't loyal and faithful to only you. Being possessive may sound like a bad thing to most people because it looks like a very selfish way to love someone. But it's a feeling you can't deny and you only develop this feeling when you truly want someone.

The fourth reason I left was because he was my best friend. As in, my love for him was completely platonic. The sex/physical attraction was no longer there. In the beginning it was good. I mean, it was really good... But with being young and all, plus raging hormones, plus me being in this totally new territory that I have never ventured in before... Of course we got physical. But slowly as the honeymoon phase came and went, the fire we had sizzled down to smoke and there were only traces of ashes left behind. I wasn't always in the mood to jump his bones. I wasn't physically attracted to him anymore. In fact, our last year together the sex was so bad I would go to the bathroom and cry afterwards because it felt like I was being used. As if sex was just for his stress relief and once he was done, he would discard me. And that's that. He's good for a month. I know this sounds gross and weird to say but it wasn't "making love" anymore. For quite some time, I thought it was good that we could still be "in love" without physical intimacy. Emotional intimacy seemed to be good enough for me. But when you aren't physically attracted to someone, love becomes platonic. He was my best friend, but definitely not my lover. I do believe that couples can be lovers and best friends, but I now realise that physical intimacy is just as equally important as emotional intimacy. It's what makes that person significant and what sets them apart from the other people in your life that you also love.

(Wow this is getting to be a bit of a long essay, isn't it? Don't worry, we're almost to the end)

The fifth reason I left was because it was so easy with him and he always does things to make me happy. He gives me everything that I want. Sometimes I don't even have to ask for it, and he just knows what I like. Perfect, right? Wrong. It's wrong because I never give back. I never make the conscious effort to show him how much he means to me. I don't make surprises. I don't do things the things he likes to show that I care. At one point, I began to expect the princess treatment from him. And I was so used to it that I never returned the favour. The thing about being in a relationship is that, giving must go both ways. You give and you take. Being the receiver is easy... You get all the fun without the fuss. But when you really love someone, you become selfless and you will give and do things for the simple reason of making them happy. This shows that you care about them and you value them. It was obvious that in the relationship he was more in love with me than I was with him. I was blinded by how easy it was that when things suddenly got really hard, I didn't want to make the effort to stay and make it work. Sure I was there for him for the little bumps in the road, the occasional hiccups, the small problems we could easily resolve... But when we were facing real problems, I wasn't willing to give anymore. And when you truly love someone, you love them through thick and thin, in good times and in bad.

The sixth and final reason I left him wasn't his fault at all. But sadly, this was a deal breaker for me. It was his family. Although he seemed to be the perfect guy for me, his family situation was far from ideal. We grew up in different homes, different upbringings, different values... He was just kind enough to not pressure me to follow the way he was brought up. You may think this isn't a big deal because as long as the both of us can respect each others differences, we'll be fine. But the values we learn from our families are the core of who we are and it's what will shape our future family someday. He came from a broken home, and his family isn't as tight-knit as mine is. His mom has a strong personality and was not very accepting of me. She was facing her own issues and I always felt that she burdened him with her problems because she was alone and had no one to lean on. My presence in his life may have threatened her, and I think she felt that I was taking her place in his life. I'm not that kind of person, but she just could not accept having someone else become a priority in his life... It must be hard for her to feel alone in this world. I actually feel sorry for him to be in this situation where he feels torn to choose her over me. I did my best to help him, my family and I tried to give him the love and support he didn't get from his father. But I realise that it was out of pity. He didn't want that. And I didn't want that for him either. Some people may think that family doesn't have much influence on a relationship, but to me it does because family is important to me. And I didn't feel accepted as a part of his family.

And so I left this guy. The guy who seemed to be too perfect for me. For the most part, I was happy with him. But it didn't always feel right. I was with him for all the wrong reasons that I had always believed was right. I was with him because I never had anything to complain about. He never did anything wrong, so I couldn't see the warning signs masked by the qualities I thought I wanted in a partner. Leaving him helped me re-evaluate what I truly want, and now I know what I want. Now I know what I need.

The reason I'm writing this is because for someone out there... You may think you found the right person. He may have everything you're looking for. But what you're looking for may not exactly be what will make you happy in the long run.

Good luck.

Monday, August 8, 2016

Timing

Sometimes
Two people are perfect for each other
They're meant for one another

But timing...
The timing isn't right

And if you're impatient like me,
waiting is drowning in the hours and seconds of the day

And patience
is like holding your breath under water
as you're swimming against the strong currents inside you
bursting to come up to the surface

Saturday, August 6, 2016

I'm such a loser

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Not a nice girl

This morning was different from our usual mornings. You were different. And me? I think I've been someone else for quite some time now.

I think somehow I became so consumed with this idea of something else, that I forgot how good I had it...

Actually, you know what? I can't even explain myself. I can't find the words to justify what I did. I'm not a nice girl.