Saturday, July 14, 2018

A psychic once told me (Part 2)

This was supposed to be the year. I didn't know what to expect but I surely prepared for whatever life had hidden under his sleeve.

Two and a half years ago, a psychic told me that I'd be married in two years. Well, it's safe to say he predicted wrong. Actually, he didn't exactly use the word "marry", he only mentioned "two years" and let me imagine the rest. I think about this a lot. Two years later, I met someone and a gut feeling told me that this was it. It's difficult to explain how or why I was so sure but sooner than later, I learned that gut feelings are not always correct.

You see, at the time it just made complete sense to me. Everything was somehow falling into place without me forcing anything as if it was meant to happen, almost like destiny. All the questions that had haunted me in the past were perfectly answered. I woke up one day and I just knew... And when I know? I. Just. Know.

But I suppose we choose to believe the answers that give us the most closure. We believe it so much that we allow ourselves to be blindsided by all the signs pointing elsewhere. And maybe I was reading too much into the signs and there were never really any signs at all? Maybe this all happened by chance and for a little while, I was lucky.

Whatever it is, I got my answer. I know what happens in two years. I know that the future is more than gut feelings, and signs, and false predictions. Everything that happens is everything you work for. Everything else that you can't explain is just life throwing things at random. So what if the psychic was wrong? The only one who can predict my future is me. And I predict... I predict something good.

Monday, July 2, 2018

Groundhog Day

It's the weirdest thing.

This whole week had me feeling like I'm living a Freaky Friday movie. I'm so confused. At first I couldn't understand why people from my past resurfaced like the past 6 months never happened, but now I'm beginning to think... Is this life giving me a second chance to do things right with all the wrong people? Well if this is how I have to repay my karmic debt then I guess I better do it right.

Though it had me thinking. I'd been experiencing the same form of pain over and over again in the last fifteen years. I thought about Radical Forgiveness, a book I once read about how the soul recognises our pain and forces us to relive it so we can heal from our past.

I realise that my pain doesn't stem from the love that was denied by other men, but the love I was denied when I was a child (I can see how dramatic this sounds). I'm not the kind of person to hold a grudge. One thing I hate is to remain bitter about circumstances I have no control of. But I thought I had forgiven the past and healed from all those years of neglect. I didn't think I carried that baggage with me into my adulthood.

I could easily point fingers and blame someone for the hurt they caused but I chose to forgive even when they aren't sorry. So why does this keep happening? How do you heal?

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

Tonight I lay down on my bed
and like every night for the past few weeks,
I think of you
and I cry.

But tonight, I close my eyes
and I choose to forgive you.
I know you're sorry
and I know you're hurt, too.

I forgive you
and I pray for you.

Friday, June 1, 2018

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Of all the memories we'd made,
I choose to keep one:
That night we waited for the train
you held me in your arms
slowly we danced in a circle
and you'd steal a kiss
as if nobody was watching.

Oh, how I wish I could stop that quiet moment in time
when we weren't trying to answer questions,
or figuring out what we were,
or where this was going.
We simply were.